The Epic Tale of the Plugged Toilet and its Replacement

Last Thursday night, our toilet plugged. As we were getting ready for bed, we heard an unnatural gurgling from the toilet; it was obvious that it was sucking down the waste with a total lack of enthusiasm. Actually, that's too kind; it was barely flushing at all.

We propped up the plunger in the toilet as an obvious warning to Taran (7 y/o son) so he doesn't unwittingly add to the problem the next morning before we can stop him. Heather agreed to plunge it the next day, or let me have a look at it the following night, and off to bed we went.

The next day, Heather calls me at work, saying she's got a crappy subject to discuss (ha ha). Her plunging did not remove the blockage, so she called her dad. He came over to have a look, and neither plunging nor the auger/snake did any good. Next, they removed the toilet from the floor, and tried the same from underneath - still no luck. There was no way to reach up with a hand from either end and retrieve whatever is lodged in there, because of all the bends.

The verdict: we're going to need a new toilet.

Great. Not exactly the kind of cost I had budgeted for this month. In addition, Taran's big birthday party was the next day. My first instinct was to say "Just take a credit card, get to a home center, buy the cheapest one you can, and get something back on there and working again" but I checked myself, and told her to wait so I could do some research...and in retrospect, I'm glad I did.

That night, I lifted the toilet out of the bathtub where it had been laid and carried it down the stairs. Since we would be using the garage for a portion of Taran's party, I couldn't keep it there, so I did the only thing I could think of at that hour - hide it behind the house. I can't imagine what the neighbors thought the next day, seeing a toilet in our back yard...

It's been a week, and the new toilet is finally in place on Thanksgiving day: an American Standard Champion 4. Why is this relevant? I'm going to talk about toilets for a minute (this is going to turn into a bit of a product review) and then I will finish my epic tale of the plugged toilet.

[begin tangent]

So what have I been up to in the last week? Research! That and amusing myself watching Tristan (2 y/o son) repeatedly walk into the bathroom and peer around the corner at where the toilet used to be, to see if it has reappeared yet. Things like portions of the house suddenly vanishing are apparently quite perplexing when you're two.

First, I discovered that not all toilets are created equal. In 1994, the federal government mandated that all new toilets in the US go from using a standard of 3.5 gallons per flush, to just 1.6 gallons. The first toilets that were manufactured under this new law were terrible, in that the reduced amount of water used per flush meant that the toilets had a harder time flushing solid waste; in particular: toilet paper. By some accounts from early-adopters, the first toilets ought to have come with a plunger when sold! In addition to blockages, consumers reported needing a second flush to adequately clear the bowl, thereby negating any water or monetary savings. Some would even drive up to Canada and purchase a toilet there, where there was no such restriction, and smuggle their illegal contraband back into the US to install in their homes. I can just picture the jailhouse conversation of someone who gets caught:
"So, what are you in for?"
"Double homicide. I was also charged with raping a wild boar, but it didn't stick. You?"
"I'm in for smuggling a toilet into the US...and I owe some library fines for overdue books..."

Thanks to American ingenuity, these problems are mostly a thing of the past, given modern toilet engineering. In fact, the new toilet I just installed appears to be more effective at clearing the waste than the toilet it replaced. Rather than filling with water, slowly and dramatically swirling around, and finally exiting the bowl with a half-hearted gurgle as the old one did, the water now forcefully shoots into the bowl with a "glug" and whisks the contents off to locations undisclosed. It's pretty impressive.

Having a toilet upstairs that doesn't get plugged and overflow is particularly important in our home. Not only because we have young boys who will eventually use too much toilet paper at some point, but because of the location of our toilet: directly over the kitchen. A toilet overflow results in very yucky water running down into the kitchen, covering the cabinets, the counter top, the food in the cupboards...not good.

Here, at last, is the lifehack: two primary things to look for in modern toilets (I'm only going to discuss common gravity-fed models, not the pressure-assisted ones):

1. Minimum 3" fill valve. This is the valve that opens to let the water from the tank into the bowl and flush. The idea is that if you have less water to use in a flush, you need to move more of the water you do have, and at a higher velocity, to do the same amount of work. This seems to be one of the most important improvements in design, and is fairly common.
2. Glazed trapway, minimum 2". This is the tube the contents of the bowl go down into the sewer. The larger the better, and the glazing makes it smoother

Beyond that, the technologies start being unique to manufacturers - some talk about the jetting of the water on the bowl, better valve mechanisms, etc.

The models we considered were American Standard's "Champion 4", Eljer's "Titan" (ranked #1 in Consumer Reports), and Toto's "Drake", among others. For a comprehensive comparison see this link:
Toilet tests
There are others available online, as well as through Consumer Reports magazine

Generally speaking, the most highly-rated models from the best manufacturers show little differences in consumer testing labs. Naturally, they're also the most expensive, starting at around $200. Other "high performance" models can be had for $100-$200, and would probably work well too. For me, due to the catastrophic nature of an overflow, the extra cost looks cheap compared to further damage to my kitchen ceiling and cabinets. American Standard and Eljer were both available at Lowe's. Toto can only be found at specialty bath retailers, or online. Home Depot had fewer models in stock than Lowes, and charged exorbitant prices for special-order items.

Other considerations:

• Bowl height: many models are available in ADA-compliant heights of 16", which is 2-3" taller than a "standard" height. The demand for this feature has been attributed to the ageing boomers, though the younger crowd may appreciate the increased comfort as well. We did get this option; I'll have to make a little step-stool for the boys to stand on.
• Bowl dimensions: both the typical round model and pricier elongated models are available. We got the elongated, as we have plenty of room in our upstairs bathroom
  
• Some sort of "pier" or "sanitary bar", which is a raised portion on the back of the bowl for the tank to sit on. This is of particular interest to parents of small boys, who typically have poor "aim". In the event they overshoot the bowl, the raised bar helps prevent liquids from running into the crevice between the bowl and tank, which can be difficult to clean
• Premium glazing on the exterior of the porcelain. Different manufacturers use different names, but it's essentially a smoother glaze that is said to inhibit the growth of mold and bacteria, and make cleaning easier. I found some mentions on the web where people felt this made a difference
• Once-piece models are stylish and easier to clean, but expensive
  

As I mentioned, we went with the American Standard Champion 4, which can even flush 18 golf balls or 40' of toilet roll! The demo is available here:
Demonstration

For those of you who haven't replaced a toilet, it is very easy - a functional and aesthetic upgrade that can be made in just a couple hours. Search online for detailed instructions.

[end tangent]

So where were we? Oh yes: it's Thanksgiving day, and rather than traditional activities like watching football or raking leaves, we installed a new toilet. Installation went okay (two trips to KMart for parts - the only place open), but a few joyful flushes later, we were ready to carry on with our holiday. Tristan seemed reassured to have a toilet back in that corner as well, even though he doesn't use it yet.

Some lifehacks:

• Make sure you have all the parts available - even those you think you have, like closet bolts - should be accounted for before you begin
  
• A taller toilet requires a longer supply hose - try it before you have make a second trip to the home stores. Also, try to get one with a braided stainless steel jacket if available, which resists bursting. For fellow Rochester residents, try Debbie's Supply in East Rochester
  

Finally, the new toilet was in. That just left the old toilet sitting in the back yard, still blocked. I couldn't dispose of it without finding out what was causing the blockage, partly out of curiosity, and partly because I wanted to make sure the children hadn't tossed something valuable down there, like Heather's jewelry or something.

And so, sledgehammer in hand, I headed to the back yard to smash open the toilet. On that cold, snowy Thanksgiving day, I vented my wrath on the porcelain throne. Just two swings and the deed was done. It shattered surprisingly easily. Here's what I found:




















Yes, that is the world's most expensive pacifier.

My 2 y/o son Tristan is soooo busted...